Lotte Koppens

Last year I decided to take a break from KABK. I'd just broke up with my boyfriend at that time, who've had sexually abused me during our relationship. I had to start all over again; find a new house, find new furniture, find new clothes (etcetera, etcetera and now the cliché), most importantly I had to figure myself out again. Slowly I found these things back, yet the only thing I was not able to make mine again was my own room.

In my own room I could not be present. I did absolutely nothing in my own room, except from lying on my bed and listening to music on my headphones (blocking out all the sounds from my room and myself). Whatever I tried, it never helped and it still doesn't; it seems to be an impossible task, being in my room. The attempts become more desperate, more sad, more destructive. The work is about failing.

To me, being able to be present in my room stood for my recovery from this abuse. That recovery seems like something I will never really achieve.

The work is not meant to represent a literal room, more so, it is meant to be some kind of "mental" room containing all the essential elements of my memories. The room is build out of doors in which drawings are scratched. Scratching has something desperate to it, violent but subtle. To me, it is a sad gesture, trying to be triumphant and aggressivly claiming presence, but not really succeeding to do so. There is frustration in it.

In the room there is a carpet and a lamp. Together with the doors, these objects were the places in which I used to escape when the abuse would happen. The carpet, the lamp and the door are perhaps the most important visuals of my memories.

Lastly, there is an old tv in the room. The tv plays the film that I made for my thesis (dat was later dan dit). The video reflects on the same period as the room, and on the strange awkward interplay between present and past. The video is made out of footage that I've shot during the relationship, combined with videos that I have found in online archives. Nothing that is used in the film is made for the film in order to get as real as possible.

A quiet narrator tries to make sense of the seemingly random footage. In the film, you see multiple attempts of dealing with the past, again showing failure. However, the video provides some hope. The video ends with a scene of two friends and I singing a song about eating a sandwhich with cheese, egg and ham. It means feeling normal, to just eat a sandwich and nothing else. I think that is what I tried to do troughout the whole film, trying to feel normal, and in the last scene it seems to finally feel like that. (to see the video click thesis)

It is difficult to get into the room,

it all happens inside.

The pathway is small, and

none of the doors open.

Inside, you have to be kind of lucky

No control over what you see

But maybe

you will see what

always is said in the end.